Writing for Mediocrity
by Heather Reimer
A while back, an Internet wit compiled a list of signs that
you're not spending enough time online. One sure sign is
that poor spelling and grammar still bother you. Good one!
Unfortunately, there are no online grammar police ... just
you and me, voluntarily dotting our own "i"s and crossing
our own "t"s. And since you want to go forth and prosper
as an Internet business, you're taking the time to do it,
right?
After all, as author Virginia Shea pointed out in her
online book Netiquette, "On the Web, you won't be judged
by the color of your skin, eyes or hair, your weight, your
age, or your clothing. You will, however, be judged by
the quality of your writing."
Okay, maybe these days, people aren't as picky as they once
were about speaking and writing perfectly. Whether that's
okay or not, is up for debate. But if you lose coherency
as a result... well, that's going to cost you money and
that's not negotiable, is it?
But, for those of you with too many clients and too much
money, here are a few guidelines on writing for mediocrity:
1. Do not under any circumstances use the spell check
function or have someone else proofread your text before
uploading it. That wood be a horendus waist of time and
serbs no porpoise.
2. If you don't have valuable content, don't worry...
just substitute fancy fonts, busy wallpaper and lots of
blinking banners. Your visitors will be so distracted they
won't notice you have nothing to say.
3. If you quote someone, don't bother to get their
permission or spell their name correctly. Why? See rule #1.
4. Exclamation marks rule!!! Your prospects have likely
never seen this tactic before and so will think that urgent
punctuation (!!!) requires urgent action (!!!) on their part.
5. Don't be afraid of large blocks of text. Readers see
that dense copy and say to themselves: "Oh goody, I was
just running short of things to read!"
6. Bury your lead. This is an old journalism trick
practiced by old journalists who couldn't remember the
point of their story. This delightful writing style
requires your readers to plow through a slagheap of details
before reaching the nugget of your story. Internet users
are patient creatures with nowhere else to go, so don't
hesitate to ramble.
7. If you want your readers to take a specific action
such as order a product or "click here", don't state that
outright. Subtlety is best. Give them the benefit of the
doubt and assume they know what they're supposed to do.
8. Which brings us to tone. Your written tone of voice
is very important. You never want your readers to suspect
that a real live person is standing behind their words or,
worse yet, standing behind their product. Just pretend you
are a robot and the writing will come much easier.
9. Consistently utilize a preponderance of gargantuan
words, even in localities where a more diminutive
congregation of characters would be sufficient. This
method, employed with great success by lawyers, will
convince your humble readers that you are infinitely
smarter than they are and they will buy your product or
service out of sheer gratitude.
By following the above guidelines in writing your content,
you'll be moving the world one step closer to the day when
the entire web is a syntax-free zone and professional
writers (like me) spend our days fishing cigarette butts
out of bus station ashtrays.
Suspect your e-content is not working hard enough for
you? Heather Reimer writes action-inspiring web content,
newsletters, sales letters, news releases, ads and
articles.
Get a FREE content analysis report when you request an
estimate. mailto:heatherreimer@codetel.net.do
| DISCLAIMER: The content provided in this article is not warranted or guaranteed by Developer Shed, Inc. The content provided is intended for entertainment and/or educational purposes in order to introduce to the reader key ideas, concepts, and/or product reviews. As such it is incumbent upon the reader to employ real-world tactics for security and implementation of best practices. We are not liable for any negative consequences that may result from implementing any information covered in our articles or tutorials. If this is a hardware review, it is not recommended to open and/or modify your hardware. |
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